so much

on my mind i don't even know what to write about.

i turned my phone off for a little while... perhaps i can clear my mind...

i never know what people expect from me.

seems like as soon as something goes wrong. i'm to blame

in reality. its not my fault at all...

partying has lost its interest to me...

i need a new release. something that will keep me out of the house more.

but that's kinda hard when you don't have a car :/

speaking of which. i will probably never get... thanks to certain people

once again. i feel like i'm being punished for those that came before me.

maybe its just my arrogance.

cause honestly.

no one can compare to me.

don't try. you will fail.

which is why. traditional parenting doesn't work for me.

cause i don't really see the point in putting me on punishment.

i do what i want anyway.

regardless if you yell and scream about how i'm not grown...

if it comes down to it. i'll just leave. and come back when i feel like it.

and don't try the whole change the locks and leave me outside...

cause i have plenty of places to stay at... unlike the others...

anyway...

like i said... too much on my mind...




to my SO

stop saying sorry. SSS

cause everytime you do. it makes me rethink the situation that i was previously okay with and come to a different conclusion about the seriousness of it as a whole...

and you can see where second guessing myself as a whole can be a large problem.




i wanna be far away from where i currently am.

a place i can sleep.

then awake and be alone.

loneliness isn't a problem for me.

i embrace it. selective pushing away people who would be close...

i have no idea what i'm talking about...

The Invention of Lying

so i went to the movies today.

with ryan his mom and garnett

and it got me to thinking.

what if we really could only tell the truth

that whatever we thought, came out.

that we couldn't lie to someone for the sake of their feelings

i think it would be interesting.

the whole world should do it for a month

say whatever you honestly mean...

i wish that i could do that to my friends.

and that they could do it to me.

but that's unrealistic.
as humans we are taught to lie
and omit the truth

we worry too much about other people's feelings
losing our own thoughts to society's
we can't express what we truly mean

hmm its just something to think about.

you should honestly go watch the movie.

it will make you think about how different the world would be if you couldn't make things up.

i need

more free time.

cause everyday is the same.
wake up school football practice home sleep
repeat

at least now i have a reason to wake up every morning ;)

buut

usually i'm so tired lately. i don't want to do anything buut sleep.

sleep is good. and sleep is fine.

but i would rather have time for my friends.

ugghh and i'm physically broken apart. my knees are giving out.

and something weird happened to my foot.

oh well

in other news...

i'm happy.

andd i don't think things could get any better.

minus the whole no free time thing...

i wonder what i'm doing this saturday.

i wanna do something really cool all day.

but a certain someone i know is ALWAYS tired

and doesn't wake up until 1 -_-







so my mom is thinking about working a second job.

and i honestly think that's a bad idea.

cause she's already overworked.

but the main reason she says she is weary of doing it.

is because she doesn't want to leave me with that much free time

not gonna lie. the girlfriend is definitely coming over.

but besides that. i don't really have much else that i could possibly do.

i'm not into drugs or any of that crazy stuff...

and i don't like people sooo. yeah

"i just sit there and let the thoughts flood
and i remind myself its alright its all good its love
but its not though"

i have been told.

to write a blog.

and write a blog i shall.

RECENT NEWS!!!

i just noticed something incredibly depressing.
and i'm kinda mad at myself for just noticing.

i wanna know what happened. but i truly doubt you'll tell me
apparently, we aren't as close as you said.

or maybe you got the wrong idea somewhere along the way.
or maybe i did. i don't know. i told you i'll be here.

i still am.

OKay, anyway.

besides that recent shocker.

my life is going pretty good.

my stepsister subbed at my school haha.

that was intereresting...

my mother made an incredibly rude comment.

i'm trying to adjust to life and she just makes it harder... like WTF

uhhh she snapped at me again. although i tried to get better about telling her where i was.

she blames me cause she didn't check her phone until 12.

not my fault. so i won't carry it on my shoulders.

I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING GIRLFRIEND.

seriously.

this other chick is getting annoying.

i'm trying to be friends. but your being difficult.

whatever.

i don't trust people. period.

i never really did.

but now its just getting worse.

self centered bitches.

as my trust goes away. i become less cynical. i guess that's good...

football = pain

my back neck and knees are destroyed.

oh well. one more year. no track season though.

cause track is scary. hahaha

now i'm just rambling. i think i'll post that relationship thing soon. probably tomorrow.

another postponement

of my 5 parts/keys to a relationship.
i'll get to it eventually...

sooo this week. has beeen. AMAZING

i finally got my SO back...

although i had to wait 4 days to ask her.

cause we're weird like that -_-

i think we have hung out almost everyday... it feels so right




this weekend has been, cool.

i spent from 5-10 and from 2pm- 1am

with my band nerds

it was a very different experience...



some people said some things that kind of caught me off guard

it made me realize that people notice when i'm not there.

and things change.



but i mean. i still have my friends..

just i could be a better friend :)

i'll work on it.



anyway i think i'm working out my largest looming situation.

perhaps..



i'm happy.

really really happy.

and its delighting.



i hope this weekend is free, cause i want some time for hanging out with my nonschool friends.

thee game should be fun. we should do another chill thing... it would be fun


ladeda no complaints.

feels good.

homecoming.

sooo everyone that i follow has pretty much written something within the past 6ish hours.

mostly commenting on homecoming... or other things concerning that.

so why not follow suit?

btw i'm postponing the 5 steps to a relationship. obviously.

i have two major problems.

even if i win i lose.

so what's the point of trying to alter the course of the ship?

anyway.

homecoming.

this year was the year i was LEAST interested in anything... apathetic almost.

i didn't go to the game, or the dance, or any of the homecoming parties.

in fact, after school on friday, i didn't contact anybody from school

except my SO... whose not really my SO.

i played marvel ultimate alliance 2 for a couple hours.

then went to this killer house party.

it was great.

amazing homecoming night. minus it had nothing to do with it actually being homecoming.

ahhh i have still yet to deal with problem numero uno. although new ones occur.

i''''''''''''ll avoid it for another month. just cause ii'm cool like that...

i hate knowing so many people.

cause eventually. people started getting connected, and that's where problems start.

(this has nothing to do with what your probably thinking of)


so i got the most random message from the most random person.

and we talked about something things that should never happen.

but at the same time, very very plausible.

but honestly. i think its below what i'm capable of.


i dislike blogging, cause i always forget what i said.

and so much of this is my current feelings, and then i feel completely different later...

like for instance, i could possibly say now... "i just want you to be happy"

when i mean... "i just want you to be happy... with me"

dskal;jfdkajdfknmz,xcndjdhaf

wtf am i talking about? bye

So...

there is this little website called postsecret.com

its a blog, established by this guy, where people send their secrets.

and they send them in the form of postcards...

alot of these postcards deal with selfimage, love, relationships, drugs

that kind of stuff

andd it seems like most cards i can identify with in some way.

alot of the ones i can identify with are the ones about love and relationships...

the more i think about it. the first time i was in "love" wasn't really love...

cause it never felt like this.

or any of the other numerous feelings i have had over the past 2 odd years...

alot of the cards are about how much the people wonder if they had told someone they loved

them how it would change their lives...

...sometimes i wonder what would happen if i didn't run my mouth so much...

cause. honestly i feel all this shit we have been through is my fault.

whatever, when things are good... they are really good. like last night.

and when they are bad... ah well. things only get worse.

i'd rather do good. its alot better.





















gap action.

i wonder how long it will take you to realize i wrote a new blog :D

i'm rambling and its fun...





on a completely different note.

my friend is an IDIOT.

he's about to ruin something good over something that doesn't really matter.

^^^ do not ask me about this part. i will not tell you.

maybe its just me. but people's priorities are all out of wack.




my personal keys to a relationship... i'm digging a hole :D

1. Attraction

2. Trust

3. Common Interest

4. Communication- very important.

5. Maturity- something i lack...

^^^ this you can feel free to question about.

cause i don't feel like explaining my personal feelings on each one.

that'll be my next blog.

this is direct as i can be.

give me a sign.

let me know that your willing to try again.

cause i am.

your worth it.

and its getting pretty obvious.

that we're meant for each other.

i have tried liking other people.

but they just don't interest me like you do.

if you want to start over. fine.

but, just let me know you feel the same.

if not... completely ignore this.

the more i think about it.

the more i think that we never tried to work through any of our problems.

whatever, i'm severely confused.

buuuut i am putting myself out there.

please catch me.

one more.

hug
kiss
relationship

"the sky might fall, but i'm not worried at all"

so lately. i have been talking to girls with boyfriends...

that way i don't feel anything other than friendship...

i don't really have anything to blog about... but its been so long since i've done one. its about time...

i'm currently sick.

i think i have the swine.

llkjld;a it sucks.

i get to drive more... although my own damn car would be fantastic.

i run in circles because its fun.

not because you told me to.

HEY LOOK A VOLVO

i'm tired... posting a random assortment of things.

p.s. i love you

i'm tired.

and confused. and i feel like blogging.

ah for the first time ever today. i wanted to go to church.

also, my mom let me drive her car to school. :D wonderful day.

this is officially hour 15.

uhh. i dislike this.

everything about it.

and i'm falling for this one girl. i think i'm going to break my nose. :/

anyway. i'm still not over you.

every time i look at you. i have emotions as various as a rainbow.

don't know if that explains anything.

but i honestly don't care anymore.

i want to be happy again.

UHHH. we finally got a group.

there are 7 of us. maybe more will add.

its pretty cool.

i like single lines.

gives more distinction.

i'm thinking about dropping all of my AP classes.

especially next year.

cause i just don't care anymore.

school has become pointless.

i hope it gets better.

i'm tired of my "friends"

i think i'll make new ones.

my cousin is getting married in like two weeks. to a beautiful DOCTOR

lucky son of a gun.

my head hurts from thinking so much.

right as i get rid of problems.

more occur.

nature=chaotic

Back to School blog

so today was the first day of school in the new building.

new buildings don't really make a difference to me.
although it is a bitch to walk across the school every damn period.

lets go through the basics before i get into my FEELINGS :O

i woke up late. so i was late the first day of school
lucky for me. they spent the whole time in homeroom so i didn't miss anything

1st period- AP history pretty cool way to start the day ya know.
coach mckendree is pretty cool.
since its AP history. its alot of... nerds.

2nd period- Band. same people as usual. i'll have fun fucking around not really paying attention
+ there is the one cute girl in percussion section now. this maybe a good thing.

3rd period- pre cal. LAURA! finally i have another class with her.
one of my few female friends. i think i have like a total of 3 that i really consider friends.
plus i have some other amazingly cool people.

4th period- latin. gay class. i'm switching out of it regardless.

5th period- football. nuff said

6th period- physics. one cool class. my lil big sis is in here. she might just make it worth dealing with that uncontrolled anger.

7th period- AP english. dropping it. too many gay ass nerds.

so today in total was uneventful. after getting to school late. nothing happened that doesn't usually happen on a school day. i went through my schedule without any problems really.

but i'm realizing how hard it is for me to truly account for other people's feelings.

some people i do try. some people i'm tired of trying.

in fact. i want to move away. for not particular reason at all.

tired of seeing the same people all the time.

and for some reason. everytime i see certain people. i can only remember the bad.
the good no longer applies to them.

and something i said in my pre cal class finally makes sense.
once someone fucks me over. in my book. they are forever fucked.

i don't forgive people. and i don't forget.
i know that's not a good thing. but i don't really care anymore.

i am who i am. i have found people that accept that.
maybe i'll find more. maybe i won't.

either way... "i can be by myself and enjoy the company"- kanye west.

AHHHH

i haven't had a deep thought in soo long.

i'm making progress :)

in life... there are some really odd people.

people you will never understand.

nor do you care to understand.

i'm one of those people :D

i finally realized...

i realized that i'm the big picture kind of person.

like i don't pay attention to small details, rather the larger goal at hand.
which is why i don't get along with alot of people.

because people that like to pick about smaller things piss me off to no end.
cause honestly. in a week we're not going to remember whether or not we made this turn or that one

but we will remember we got there.

so why dwell on small things.
when the larger goal is still reached...

ahh. perhaps this could even apply to my relationships.

i don't look at the small things that make relationships work, rather the larger picture of being in said relationship...

honestly, i'm too tired for philosophy tonight. i think i have had to spell check every other word in this entire thing.

good night peeps.

Headache of Death

soo i usually don't get headaches.
from things that i should get the fromm.

like football and other extra curricular activities that usually give them :)
buut apparently. somewhere along the way. i acquired headaches of death

i mean, they probably have some fancy names. that i don't care to know

but currently. one is residing in my cranium... i haven't used that word in forever.
andd it was brought on by not wearing my glasses.

Now. lets think about that. i throw my head at 200 pound people. everyday for about 3 months
but no headaches. andd i get one from NOT wearing my glasses when i wake up. i mean. seriously

the body is retarded.

in other news...

alot of people around me are having really shitty times in life.
and i'm not really in a position to help.

don't get me wrong. my life isn't all pie and cake either.
but i have reached a plateau i think.

cause things just don't seem important to me at all.
theres a word for it... i think its apathy? without emotion

haha i was right

ap⋅a⋅thy

1.	absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.

i think i'm leadin towards suppression... it works for now.

urrm each day that goes by. i think its getting worse. NOT suppressing you.

and that was bad phrasing...

i wish that i could be everybody's everything.
cause i think... emotionally i could do it.

since everyone wants to be my friend now.
and when i say everyone. i mean all the people i care about way too much to be just another friend

i feel like we're all living our lives like myspace. and if i'm not on your top. i'm just not making the cut.

oh well. i need to reach out to people more.
but lately it just hasn't been working. i think i'm too late...

I NEED A CAR!!!!

idk if i have posted that before... since i hadn't blogged in quite a while.

oh and while i'm writing this what feels like a tremedously long blog...

i just have to say i'm tired of ghetto people.
now ghetto people doesn't have a color

cause everyone thinks its cool to be ghetto, right? WRONG

in case you haven't read a book lately.
ghetto is a state that you should be trying to get out of, not embracing.

that's from a shihan poem i think...


ignore the he's sick of apathy part. cause he cna get over it

that's pretty much. the complete and honest truth.

this has gone on long enough... i'll post another some other time.

i messed up

but.. what's new?

this is gonna be short,
cause i really don't feel like typing anything at all

it seems like, lately,
anything that i could have messed up myself

i did. like. not just normal, an apology will get me by.
but like one of those even if they forgive you they won't forget things

ohh well. its my own damn fault. toooo greedy.
andd noot caring(nor thinking) enouggh.

soo. today. minus one person.
i'm completely starting over.

^^^ that pretty much means i'm not talking to girls until school starts
in our FREAKING HUGE ASS school.

one of these days. imma go in there and find my own little hiding spot.
perhaps somewhere with enough room to lay down.
soooo i can take a nap when i'm tired of school :D

i'm sorry. i hope you change your mind...
although. its probably best you don't...

omg.

i have written 3 blogs today.

none of which shall be posted tonight.
two of which may never be posted.

but i just wanna leave a short blog.
to tell you how i feel

andd i'll take a cue from a friend... and make up names then talk about them :D

Jessica. i'm not quite sure how i feel about what you wrote. its not really where i want our relationship to be. but. its understandable. yet...idk. i'm having mixed feelings about it. i'll probably talk to you about it later... :/ when i figure out what it is i'm feeling.

and... your name is gonna be... Lacy. i don't know what i did... but. your acting incredibly strange. and to be honest... your not really worth the headache your giving me. because. with your pattern of irregularities and my almost mystical planning... its a train crash waiting to happen.

Casey... you randomly message me out of nowhere and thenn shoot the shitt for all of 10 minutes. dont know what the fuck that was about... but i intend on finding out... cause your kinda messin up this thing with...

Macy. Yes i know all the names rhyme except for Jessica. because Jessica can't really be put into the same category as you other three. cause she simply means so much to me. another rhyme. damn. anyway. Macy. i have talked to you about... two nights. randomly. we shud go back to the good ol days. no feelings attached. soon as we figure out the Casey scenario.

I need a Stacy... just to start all over with... then maybe she can be a... Rebecca. that sounds good.

2nd blog

i have written tonight.

the other one is for one person only.
she should know who she is.

and even her... i'm not quite sure she read it yet...
or at all. or ever....

i don't know what's really going on anymore...

uhhmm i don't know what to blog about.

i'm kinda tired.

i'm listening to kanye's bittersweet
one of my favorite songs.

i don't like making decisions.

cause.

i really want the old..

but the new looks kinda intriguing.

even though the new pisses me off.

like.

really.

like.

iwannaturnintoapsychobitchandjuststartyellingatthetopofmylungs
"WHATTHEFUCKISYOURPROBLEM!!!!"

but i can't really do that. cause it would be psycho bitch behavior.

and i'm just not a psycho bitch :D

or am i?

keeping testing me. you'll find out

if you just don't feel the sammeee.

FUCKING TELL ME

SIDENOTE

my biggest problem with the majority of people is that they can't just be real with me.
i'm a honest person. but not to the point of being cruel. if i lie to you. its for your own good.
and all that shit about lies will come back to get you. not true with me. i'm pretty good about documenting my lies. i tell white lies for your own protection. BREAKTHROUGH perhaps the reason why you think its ok to avoid the truth is the same reason as mine... but honestly. what would lead you to believe such? cause i am a persistent little prick. i will find out. or at least. get you to tell a lie that find to be acceptable. hmmm this is a very interesting subject... i will visit this later...

anyway.

i feel that my interest in you is drawing to a close

simply because. you are becoming predictable.

we talk one day. you ignore for a week. cycle repeats.

you seem like a pretty cool person.

but... i don't think i can currently deal with your twist and turns.

and this whole blog has pretty much been bullshit

cause. tomorrow i'm going to text you "hey :D" probably 3 times

each time... have a 10 message conversation.

before you "forget" to reply.

i will wait. approximately 2-6 hours.

then send the next "hey :D"

cycle repeats.

so the real question is...

why do i continue to torment myself with this pattern, that i have identify, and analyzed?

well the only truthful answer is...
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW

o well...

maybe nothing will come of my whimisical ambitions.

or perhaps i will finally find a triumphant new happiness.

although i seriously doubt the later.

WTF was this blog suppose to be about anyway...

జస్ట్ ఫర్ యు

ఐ'మ రైటింగ్ థిస్ ఎంతిరె తింగ్ ఇన్ హిందీ. బెటర్ ఎట్, అ లాంగ్వేజ్ కాల్లెద్ తెలుగు.

జస్ట్ తో మాక్ గిన్ని మద :ద

సి బెకాఉసే ఐ'మ బోరేడ్. అండ్ ఐ హవె నొథింగ్ బెటర్ తో డో.

అండ్ ఐ ఫైనల్లీ ఫిగురె అవుట్ హౌ తో స్విచ్ బిట్వీన్ తేసే డిఫరెంట్ లాంగ్వేజెస్, అండ్ ఇత్స్ హార్డ్ అస్ బల్లలు తో త్రన్స్లాటే తెం బ్యాక్. విచ్ ఇస్ వై ఇన్ ఫస్ట్, ఐ అం సేవింగ్ ది ఇంగ్లీష్ వెర్షన్ అఫ్ థిస్ వేరి బ్లాగ్ సో తాత ఐ విల్ అల్వయ్స్ రెమెంబెర్ వాట్ ది హెల్ ఇట్ ఇస్ ఐ వ్రొతె :ద

ఉహం. మైఖేల్ జాక్సన్ దిఎద్ టుడే. ఇట్ ఇస్ సద. తో సి ది లేఅస్ట్.

బట్ ఐ'మ ఆల్రెడీ తిరెద్ అఫ్ హియరింగ్ అబౌట్ ఇట్.

ఎఇతేర్ పీపుల్ అరె మకింగ్ హర్ష ఓబ్స్సునే జోక్స్ అత ది మనస్ డెత్.
ఓర థెయ్ అరె ఫకింగ్ సద్నెస్స్.
నేఇతేర్ ఐ కాన్ స్టాండ్.

ఉహం. ఐ మిస్ మై బేబీ.

ఐ గోట్ బీట్ అప్ బి మై నిఎస్ టుడే. అగైన్. ఫర్ లికె ది ఉమ్ప్తీంత్ టైం
శే'స దేఫినితెలీ అ ఫైటర్...

సోఒ. థిస్ గర్ల్ కోల్డ్ సెరిఔస్ల్య్ హవె మే వ్రప్పేడ్ అరౌంద్ హర్ ఫింగెర్.
అల్ తౌగ్ ఐ విల్ అల్వయ్స్ చూసే మై బేబీ ఓవర్ హర్ ఓర అన్యోనే ఎల్సె.
ఒన్స్ అగైన్ ఒనె అఫ్ తోసే ఐ వన్'త లోస్ యు అండ్ ఐ'మ తకింగ్ అద్వంతగే అఫ్ ఎవెర్య్ ఒప్పోర్తునితి.

*యవన్* ఐ మిఘ్త్ గో తో బెడ్ అత అ నొర్మల్ టైం..

ఉహం ఐ'మ బ౦రెద్... ఐ'ల్ వ్రితే అనోతేర్ తెలుగు బ్లాగ్ సూన్.

i wrote this a while ago.

this was the blog that i wrote in that telugu language. with all the swingles and swurves.
i made both of those words up.. uhmm its not really important. like at all. but its just one of my unreleased blogs. along with a love/apology/caking letter that i wrote. not to anyone in particular...- that's a lie btw.


"i'm writing this entire thing in hindi. better yet, a language called telugu.

just to make ginny mad :D

see because i'm bored. and i have nothing better to do.

and i finally figure out how to switch between these different languages, and its hard as balls to translate them back. which is why in fact, i am saving the english version of this very blog so that i will always remember what the hell it is i wrote :D

uhm. michael jackson died today. it is sad. to say the least.

but i'm already tired of hearing about it.

either people are making harsh obscene jokes at the mans death.
or they are faking sadness.
neither i can stand.

uhm. i miss my baby.

i got beat up by my niece today. again. for like the umpteenth time
she's definitely a fighter...

sooo. this girl could seriously have me wrapped around her finger.
all though i will always choose my baby over her or anyone else.
once again one of those i won't lose you and i'm taking advantage of every opportunity.

*yawn* i might go to bed at a normal time..

uhm i'm b0red... i'll write another telugu blog soon."

hahaha i'm bored

soo. wanna know something weird.

my blog randomly started typing in hindi. लिखे थिस
इ वास लिखे व्त्फ़ बुत॥ थें इ फिगुरेड आउट हाउ तो फिक्स आईटी।

hehe i'm glad i know who to do that...
now i can code the parts that i don't want to make it easy to read.

anyway... life is mediocre
nothing has made my walls crumple lately...

आईटी मेक्स
जुस्त i did however realize how futile my effort is.. ठाट फुक्क
बे this is why i never try at anything। यू यू तू
माय instead of failing। like a normal person. वुड चूसे सोमोने
गर्ल i'm met with a wall of apathy... लिखे हिम। ओवर में
में जेअलौस्य

tht above. is a secret message. i'm proud of myself for creating it :D

o well.i have bigger problems...

the more i live. the less i see the point of sleeping during the summer.
i go to bed at 5. wake up at 10. i miss nothing in the world.
sounds like a plan...

anyway... i really don't know what to blog about..
i ahve an increased amount of boredom..
i almost prefer drama to this...
ALMOST. :D anyway

a certain someone needs to come back
because...
the way i feel about her right now...
she could get the business :D

o btw

"as the cruise liner pulls into to the port,
the mouth is open for the business. however,
the midget is left outside in the cold. cause nobody wanted him"
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... can't believe she didn't get that...

seems like i should write.

idk...

once again... my world is collapsing
BLAHH

idc anymore.
i just can't lose you again
and i hope you read this last one... maybe

i love you.
but. idk. you make me feel... nervous?
eventually... i'll truly figure out what i want from you...

uh.. i forgot to call my dad.
i really meant to this time...
but i really dont know what i should say to him.

because. in all honesty. i want him to solve a problem.
that he has had for god knows how long.
is that really fair?

at the same time... is it really fair to ask me to deal with his problem?
i think not... soo. maybe i can just tell him that.
however, i'm not as good with confrontations as most people believe.
not when i care about the person.

i should really be sleeping...

uhh on a completely unrelated note...
there is this girl.
who seems like she would be a really cool friend...

but... *chuckle* i dont really know her.
well obviously i know of her.
but i doubt we will ever actually interact
perhaps i should pursue this interest...

i lose interest quickly. sometimes.

i want to tell you that... my mind is like... shredded paper.
thats been shredded twice. so that out of a whole sheet.
all thats left is little square pieces.

and on each one of these little square pieces.
is an idea. that is connected to all those other squares.
but completely unrelated.

and. all these squares have been dumped into a fish bowl.
and talking to you. is like. scooping out those wet squares.
and trying to fix them into a sentence. that makes sense.
in any language at all...

i'm going to read...

10 things i want to say to people

i always see people do this...
soo i thought that i would finally doo it..
however.. out of my 10 things... 4 will probably be to 2 people
lets get started

1. i think i still love you. sometimes. however. lately... it's going away. your turning into something that i'm not particularly sure i like...

2. i wish you could see how truly alike we really are... then maybe you can understand why i won't give up... and why i say some of the things i do.

3. you shouldn't let anybody get to you. your going to be great.

4. if it wasn't for you... i would probably be depressed. honestly. i don't know how you deal with everyone's problems... but i'm glad you deal with mine :D

5. you screwed up. royally. i don't know if anything will ever be the same between us.

6. lately. you think your cooler than you are. i'm gonna put my foot in your ass.

7.(this is to two people) i can't trust you. everything you say. i have to think twice about it. good job.

8.you over react to the dumbest of things... really some of the stuff you say... makes me want to punch you in the face.

9. dude. its not as bad as you think it is. it will get better... eventually... cuz. usually. it can't get much worse.

10. i wish you would stay out of my life for a while. at least until i can get everything straight. but. i know you won't. and i have accepted that.

2 weeks

since my last post :(

"get my heart out of this hell and my mind out of the jail" - kanye west

i'm becoming incredibly and inexpressibly lazy...

alot of stuff has happened... lets see if i can remember half of it.
uhh. ryans bday. was inexpressibly amazing.
i said "golden" 250 times. at least.

o btw. my mom let me go to his party.
because of this HUGE fight we had the week before it.
which she caused. for no real reason at all.

she shouldve just left me alone...
but she followed me around the house screaming at me
and apparently i hurt her feelings.

anyway... party was amazing...
long dayys.

uhh. soo. girl stuff. blehh.

i thought that a particular person was finally done with me.
but. apparently not.
and its better that way.

people always say... avoiding your problems solves nothing
however. avoiding mine. or not talking about them.
has greatly improved things in my favor.

thenn. this other person...
i think... is a compulsive liar.
maybe i'm just paranoid...
but my heart tells me.... LIAR.

hehehe. its not really a big deal though
because. i'm no longer becoming attached to people...
i love too hard :D

uhm. ooo yeah. soo.
this one night.
i standed up talking to the MOST amazing person.

this was a life altering conversation.
i wish i could remember all of it.
but i do have particular parts tucked away in my head.

i do have to say...
don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't mind them knowing
because. like this person. they find out. or have a good inclination about what you say.

sometimes i wonder if i see things that people don't.
or maybe i have more understanding...
or maybe... i'm the dumb one...
idk... very complicated.

i'm a lover.
just wish you felt the same.

fml

"she said i prefer a broken neck to another broken heart" - amir sulaiman

soo. in total. this weekend has sucked.
in every aspect.
i need to place a phone call to a certain family member
before he yells at me... again :P

uhh. series of events
i tried. so hard. yet i fail.
again. whatever. its not THAT big of a deal

i was prepared this time around...
even though... i hope she still reads...
because... one day. i will need you.

just not anytime soon.
but when i do
i hope your still there

anyway..
my mom just ruined... EVERYTHING
instead of having a semi horrible weekend

and having the next couple of weeks make up for it.
i have had a terrible weekend.
leading into a terrible week
which will then transform into a depressing weekend.

apparently... nothing is ever good enough for her.
i got up. at 10 on a saturday. and mowed the front and back yards.
without her asking me.

and all she can do is complain... because i didn't clean up immediately
i was... exhausted.
thenn. the next day.

she tells me... i can't go to my best friends 18th birthday...
because we have to take a 22 hour road trip to see my cousins graduation.
which my entire family is already going to...

we have been planning this bday party since we have met..
and in a week. she decides that she make me do whatever she wants.
i refuse to miss this party.

i'm willing to fight for it.
whatever.

i am in a horrible ass mood.
anndd. very few people can get me out of it.

fml.

is it really worth it?

first of... this is two issues with two different people
which have the same basis.

o and this is the 2nd time this blog has gotten me in trouble
but... at the same time.
what else can i do?

uhh problem numero uno
your mad at me for something i wrote long ago
i understand why your mad

but... i really don't think it worth throwin away everything
especially after all we've been through.
which is why... i want to talk to you now...

but... its up to you now...
outta my hands..
:/

problemo number twoo
your being a bitch.
i'm trying really hard to salvage something
that isnt exactly worth it

and all you can say is ok.
all your doing is pissing me off...
because i'm trying to be there for you
cuzz i feel like no one will ever understand you like i can.

but. i am REALLY ready to give up.
on both of you.
and just start everything all over again.

part of me

Yea yea Yea yea yea.  Yea yea yea yea yea 
We live and we die life is full of surprises
and I cant get over the fact that your gone.
I try to realize your not part of my life.
But I still try to fight but it just don’t seem right.

Bridge
Cuz your not here anymore.
I can still see you walking out the door.
Your just a memory eee of what used to be.

Chorus
(Yeaaaa)Sitting with my head between my hands.
I know ill never get you back again.
I never meant to hurt you never meant to make you cry.
(Why am I surprised.) I am who I am because of you.
I’m sorry for the pain I put you though.
Baby its all just a dreeeeeam.
But your still a part of me.

V2
I didn’t think you do it. You really leave me.
If I did it would be different believe me.
Its easy to say baby I’m a change.
The very next day it was the back to the same.
Going though my phone finding new names.
I said it was business I was so lame.
You saw though it and held me down.
A real queen, you held that crown.
You made such an oppression on my life.
Natural progression was you to be my wife.
We talked family, we talked kids.
You thought I’d clam down, I never did.
I bought you home things from the rode before.
Malaysia, Australia silk form Singapore.
But what I give you this time you cant get rid of.
So you left me tired of this sick love.

Repeat chorus
Sitting with my head between my hands.
I know ill never get you back again.
I never meant to hurt you never meant to make you cry.
(Why am I surprised.) I am who I am because of you.
I’m sorry for the pain I put you though.
Baby its all just a dreeeeeam.
But your still a part of me.

Sitting here listing to the record you bought me.
Kinda blue original copy
You changed my life put me on to so much.
I miss our talks more then ya touch.
Such a fool to lose such a good thing.
You showed me parts of my city that I never seen.
Parts of myself that I never knew existed
Then I got famous I got it twisted!
You needed me I didn’t need you.
Find you a man that can do what I do for you.
I flew you to Rome I paid for this whole.
How you coming at me like you grown.
Forget what I did…on tour
I said I loved you, you needed more
Why you trippin you need to understand 
Sometimes a man's gotta be a man.

Repeat chorus
Sitting with my head between my hands.
I know ill never get you back again.
I never meant to hurt you never meant to make you cry.
(Why am I surprised.) I am who I am because of you.
I’m sorry for the pain I put you though.
Baby its all just a dreeeeeam.
But your still a part of me.

Music interlude……

Dam dam dam dam dam dam dam!
Walk in the house late, drink, stumbling,
I pass out you would come tack me in.
Where you at baby I need you
I never knew all the pain this would lead to
I’m sorry I lied, tried to deceive you
You said you'd leave but I didn’t believe you.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,
I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, girl
I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m sorry,
baby I’m so sorry

Complications

i wonder who actually reads this...

anyway...
i have new found complications
ass.

i'm talking to my ex again.
the one i hate. hated. disliked.
something like that

i'm talking to this amazing girl.
i'm 2nd on her list
YAY :)

i played 7on7 today
tht was a waste of time
cuzz we didnt play for 2hrs.

aanyway...
i'm pretty much done with dating.
for awhile

cuzz. 1 i can't decide one girl to focus on
and 2. its just too tiring. and pretty much
POINTLESS

i was really thinking about inviting my ex over..
but that just seems like a bad idea
at least for noww...

i wanted to go to a party tonight
but apparently nothing is going down
which sucks :/

o well. the one friday
OMG
unfreakinbelievable

uhhh my dilemna seems to be.
indecision
as usual.

o and i still haven't talked to my dad.
which i haven't even thought about
cuz i have everything else mannn

omg summers almost here
i cant wait
i'm ecstatic

bad day

sooo i just had the worst day.
i have had in a very long time...
and the sad thing is... i have no idea why

like... i had something moderately bad happen
i broke up with my gf
buutt.. i've done that before...

and i really dont think thats the root of my problem
maybe its my indecision
on what happens next.

like... its gettin progressively worse
i can't even decide why i broke up with my gf
i just had to. today. for no reason really.

now. i'm talking to someone i thought i never would
and i don't understand why.
maybe cuz i'm tired of trying.

on the positive side...
i got invited to the 7on7 tournament.
Yay.

back to negativity.
i think i'm on my man period.
cuzz. i dont see anything happy happening anytime soon.

i think if i can just get past this weekend.
maybe, just maybe i'll make it.
o. and i really need to talk to my dad.

like. obviously avoiding the subject hasn't helped.
i havent seen him in a month. at least
not good.

the worst part about this...
is that usually. one person could make me feel better
i'm not soo lucky this time.. considering how i dont want anything, from anybody.

summer come quick..

its about

time i write again...

i'm in the 3rd week of spring ball
my coach is on my jock
constantly.

but i'm still not starting...
due to size concerns.
even though i'm always where i'm suppose to be. and make the play anyway.

anyway... my weekends have improved significantly
everyday is a party... seriously
friday, i have good clean fun after school with denzel and those guys

then right after that. me and ryan get together.
and raise hell.
anywhere. we. can.

we need more parties to go to...
throw a party
invite us
we will rock your world.

soooo i have this new addiction
same kinda as before... but very different
its unexplainable

the attraction is unbroken.
and random... incredibly random...
lets just say... i wish i hadnt gone to certain parties
BLAHAHAHAHAHA i have nothing to write about...

summer needs to come...
so i can see if i can make it...
through 3 months of parties.

i doubt it
haha

updates and bitchassness

sooo it seems as though everytime i get a chance to update this...
somthing big pops off the next day.

and then i have to take back everything i wrote in the last blog..
fucckkk

sooo todays thursday... i'm gonna do this shit backwards
today was... "alright"
i use that word bcuz all tho i dont like it
it has a hidden meaning.

it means that while on the outside everything appears hunky dory
underneath
its completely fucked.

uhhh yeah soo
everything was real chill untill lunch.
i move tables constantly, so as i return to my home table
my friends say someone stole the chair that i usually sit in

and low and behold, its the blond haired bitch that i currently dislike to an extent modern man has not yet discovered.
sooo i doo wht i usually do with my friends.
i talk as loud as humanly possible.
and point her bitch ass out

she tries to come back, but she's no match
soo like the lil slut that she is... she brings my gf into it
u kno.... whatever no problem.... i walk away

sooo backtrack... wednesday.
we had like a half day cuz of TAKS.
soo i was hyped

after school we go to play basketball
i just go cuz i aint have shit else to do
skippin all the boring shit

me and zach get into it. w/e
i called him out cuz he fails at life
and the only thing he has to say back...
he's with my ex

whatver, he's been usin the same comeback for 3 months
later that day, ppl tell me tht he askes her out.
soo fuck them both

and i wudnt even waste my time with it
butt looks like everytime i turn around, someone is talkin about
I DONT REALLY GIVE A FUCK
really. i dont.

so i wish people would dropp it
btw... friend cornell
class a dick head.
fuckin this girls life up.
it amuses me :)

blahhh next subject...

Bitchassness

sooo my friend calls me a bitchass nigga on the daily
fucking hilarious
cuz its quite simply true.

latest bitchass move?
i told him to give me the girl he's talkin to number...
soo when he fucks up
i can pick her up.

not cuz i like her... bcuz i have the most wonderful gf
just to fuck with his life :)
not to mention the fact that we r formulating a plan
to send a guy a college letter

who barely sees the field in high school
BAHAHAHHA
its gonna be great...

Spring Trip

Soo i have to write more often
cuz when i dont these span too many different events

this one in particular will broach approximately 3 subjects
Spring trip, TAKS, anddd anger stuff?

firstt Spring Trip.
band gayness
at its fullness

we took a 6 hour bus ride to Dallas
on assigned buses= gayness.
cuzz all of my real friends happened to be on the other bus

at least my gf was on my bus, with her posse
posse= hate. all of them. equally :)
anyway... 6 hour bus ride...

stopped to get shatty food from italian place
my gf ignored me there. thanks.
but didnt bother me muchh

cuz i got to hang out with my friends...
soo then we took the rest of the trip to dallas
boring as fuck

random as movies...
nothing important happened

NEXT DAY
next we had contest.
we pretty much kicked ass
it was our best performance

o and we went to the most amazing fucking place ever
medevial times. coolest shit i have seen in along time.
o and once again. gf sat with her posse instead of me.

so night night.
next day. six flags.
we went on like every fuckin rollercoaster
i dont even fuckin like rollercoasters.


gf hung out with gay ass females.
btw i hate tthat one bitchy ass friend she has.
fuck her.

michelle geng screams like a fuckin champ
lmao it was intense.

soo when we got back on the buss i told her how i felt...
mostly cuz she couldnt talk back :P
thenn we made up for a hour or two..
then i slept like a champ.

next subject... TAKS
almost donee.
i know i've been tooooo hyped these days
cuz i have been pinned up like an animal for 4 hours a day

so i ran through the hallways today
cuz i only went to school for like 2 hours
it suckedd

lastly,, anger problems.
i asked everyone i could possibly conceive to ask if i got angry to easily, or took things too seriously
most people said yes..
this only confirms the fact that most people misunderstand me

i dont have the dedication to be mad, except for that particular person
whoo i recently made up with, kinda
people, i'm playful.

and i hate you all.
especially if you think i have a short temper
FUCK YOU! :)

Parties

sooo yeahh...

i've been out of the public for a while
mostly sleepin and spendin all time on live

but the other day... i went to a party wit ryan
it was a white boy party
i was the only black guy there

they were pretty cool about it tho
but we go there late cuz my friends phone didnt have a signal.
by the time we got there... everybody was lit

so we just chilled for a little...
dabbled in some stuff

but before we could really get into something...
drunken white people like to fight
this hot head got all mad

cuz he got beat in beer pong
which he had apparently changed the rules to
to better suit him

so he picks the smaller guy out of the two
and says lets go outside...
throws the guy out the door

all the other drunk people hold him back.
cool whatever
me and ryan walk out the front door.... followin some other guy

about 5 minutes later.... we here alot of yelling..
drunken white people decide its a good idea to walk out in the middle of the street to continue this fight
soo i said lets bounce

and we did
we got home around1ish
and just sat around in ryans truck

talking about life
everything
randomly... cuz we're good like that

then i passed out watching some movie i dont remember.
made the weekend worth it. even though i didnt see my gf
and it was pourin down rain most the time.

Maturity

YAAAAY i have something to write about :)

anyway... some people amuse me.
because, they go through life saying what they think should be said
they have been soo sheltered that they think if they say the right thing it will show their "maturity" level.

to me maturity is life experience. and seeing as the worse thing that has ever happened to the particular people i'm talking about is something as trivial as a flat tire
their maturity is incredibly low.

The sad thing is, while their in high school and such, they think their so above others
butt in the outside world, without so many regulations, they have been set up for failure
they wont know what its like to be seriously let down..

its kinda like how my mom says i have no street smarts
well, i dont. i'd die outside of a pearlandlike community.
yet, i know plenty of people who i hope never go through a rough patch in their life
cuz in all honesty, their scrreeeeewwwwweeeeeddd

sooo i'm rambling about random shit right now..
mostly cuz i'm tired... and i have nothing better to do at the current.
o btww.

ORC has finally established assignments for the group.
actually it wasnt really ORC that did it more like O-C
but -R- can follow anyway, cuz its true :P

O- bring girls.
R- provide transpo location.
C- bring dudes.

thats how its been. thats probably how its gonna say.
oo and ORC can also be ROC COR CRO or any other variation of that...
depending on how each of us feels that day...

wtf was i suppose to be talkin about?
o well... balls.

Postsecret

is the single greatest website ever created.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
visit it i beg of you ^

i havent written in a bit...
mostly cuz everything is good
my blog is for personal complaints

and i have none :)
so... short blog :P

Fridays

always bring new things...
i'm feeling like ice cube
today was a good day.

school wasnt as bad as it usually is.
i dipped out afterwards... went home
whooped the shit out of hunter in madden
then picked up 2 dozen donuts

went to kents... hung out wit ppl
then off to the movies
with the girlfriend...

that was nice ;)
bit crowded thoo :/
and it was a lame ass movie... just didnt like it

o and she was sick... so now i'm sick
but after the movies... i was suppose to eat..
didnt, saw zach said whats up.

ended up spendin 2 hours with his dumbass
driving around 6 deep... illegally
ex gal and friend came along
she still digs him

and i'm finally ok with it...
although... i am a lil worried she'll get hurt
but thats whatever

see cuz the thing is.
i'm finally getting my life in order
shits starting to work out for me..
guess everything happens for a reason...

o and i no longer have a desire to disgrace my body with alcohol. or drugs.
for now... lets see what the next couple of months bring...
hey sooo after you read this particular blog. text me
lets talk. 832 766 4430

RAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
me sideways :)

this shall be a wrap up of my weekend.
it SUCKED.
one of the most inspirational i have ever known in my life was buried.
i had to sing in 2 of her services.(i can not sing to save my life)
all of the people i am close to regarding church i had to watch cry
and i could not express the emotions i had in the same way.

for some reason. death is no longer a problem for me.
i dont think it ever was. people die.
its unexpected. its painful. but its a fact of life.
however, the constant crying, and the morose stature of everyone around me
unbearable.
sooo i drink their pain away.

i havent talked to my dad in 2 weeks, since i told him how i truly felt.
dont think i feel the need to have that burden also...
uhhhh some people just have no boundaries.
"sorry" does not fix anything.
i think it should be stricken from the english language.
because "nice" people use it as an excuse to be assholes.

(for that special someone)
btw... the thing i wanted to talk about...
its how you think it wud be cool to hang out with my friends, without me
WE BROKE UPP BITCH. find your own friends to hang out with.
and if their lame... thats your fucking problem.
its funny how you were coming over... until you found out i was there.
yes it was "weird" its suppose to be, seeing as you broke my fucking heart.

back to everything else...
i let a valuable friend slip away...
for something really stupid... and dumb.
that shouldnt have happened. its my fault.
i apologize. a heartfelt sincere apology.
i hope you talk to me again... sooner than later...

uhhhh i think i pretty much covered everything...
no wait... today.
today was... indifferent.
by the way, love, you didnt fuck up as bad as you think.
me and the fam cleaned upp the majority of the house.
for my mommy. so she can feel better.
that felt nice.

i bought my "Wu-Tang" shirt from Hot Topic.
o and i saw will's purple jacket bahahaha
the guy kinda freaked me out
he kept saying stuff like "cool dude" or "nice, nice"
i think it was because i'm black :/

That wraps my craptacular weekend.
it ended better than it started... by far...
i'll try to write again sooner...
i've been slacking :/

Today

soo today is a day of mixed emotions.
i finally got to saw my grandma
who i havent see in... about 5 months.

i forgave someone... who possibly scarred me for life
that wasnt easy
but it had to be done... not for me but for others

and i told my dad he's an alcoholic.
that i won't tolerate it anymore
and i cant stand to be around him

i need a fucking hug

New start

so today was my first date with my NEW girlfriend.
she's cool... even though she thinks she like runs me
and she's taller than me :( but whatever

uh in other news.... i'm not sure if i'm passing:/
my back hurts like hell cuz i like to land on my spine
i'm kinda coming to terms with stuff

i wonder if anyone else wonders how beautiful the moon is
its like one of the more constant beautiful wonders
nothing like lookin at a half moon after running 400m

Yes i'm finally making improvements in my life
i'm doing three lines per idea
instead of my usual four

March 02, 2009

uhhh so much happened today... can't even begin to describe it...
silly slut decides its alright to like my best friend...
he had enough common sense to tell me...
long story short. me and that ho are no longer on friendly terms.

its good to have loyal friends...
saved me alot of time and trouble...
i learned a valuable lesson today...
people change. everyone has demons.
some people just dont hide them as well(me)

this blog is really just an outlet for me...
cuz i only know of one person who cares enough to read it(thanks will :D)
to sum it all up...
that bitch can burn
zach will always be down to ride
and i'm gonna be in a pissy mood for about a week... here comes the demons

Mike Nathaniel Manning

my alter ego.
he is an asshole
he does not care what you think
he uses people
he says whatever the hell he is thinkin
i finally gave him a name.
he's apart of me.
get use to it.

wow..

today was... different...
i got stood up... twice
stopped by cops twice
shared an awkward dinner with an ex
so confused about life
right when everything seems to be working out
i'm slapped with someone new
o and btw no phone...
i'm tryin and tryin but.... no progress
its whatever... just gonna let things flow...

Track

so... for the first time... i'm realizing my own potential
i want to succeed... i'm tired of losing...
getting beat when i should win is bullshit
so from now on
100% track
400 meter runner
no matter how i feel... i will win
i want varsity
i want a lettermen
fuck the opposition

Pain

pain is something that i personally embrace
it is not something that i look for
rather something that finds me
it is always there
waiting for me around the corner

it always comes in different forms
physical emotional mental
it attacks from all sides
and i currently have all three

although i have all three...
this pain has finally allowed me to be myself
the self that hasnt come out since... 7th grade
i've always had to hide something for fear of being rejected

4 more months of taking shit
i made a new resolution
to just smile through it
its gonna be a good 4 months

first blog

so today's my mothers birthday.
the day after valentines day.
i'm single.
and i'm happy
really really happy
laughing smiling giggling grinning
things that use to hurt make me smile
like... she said she almost missed my voice...
how the hell can you almost miss something?
o well... i thought it was pretty funny.
tomorrow is monday. Presidents Day
a national holiday
and we have school... that sucks ass
i wonder how long until a barack obama day...