2nd blog

i have written tonight.

the other one is for one person only.
she should know who she is.

and even her... i'm not quite sure she read it yet...
or at all. or ever....

i don't know what's really going on anymore...

uhhmm i don't know what to blog about.

i'm kinda tired.

i'm listening to kanye's bittersweet
one of my favorite songs.

i don't like making decisions.

cause.

i really want the old..

but the new looks kinda intriguing.

even though the new pisses me off.

like.

really.

like.

iwannaturnintoapsychobitchandjuststartyellingatthetopofmylungs
"WHATTHEFUCKISYOURPROBLEM!!!!"

but i can't really do that. cause it would be psycho bitch behavior.

and i'm just not a psycho bitch :D

or am i?

keeping testing me. you'll find out

if you just don't feel the sammeee.

FUCKING TELL ME

SIDENOTE

my biggest problem with the majority of people is that they can't just be real with me.
i'm a honest person. but not to the point of being cruel. if i lie to you. its for your own good.
and all that shit about lies will come back to get you. not true with me. i'm pretty good about documenting my lies. i tell white lies for your own protection. BREAKTHROUGH perhaps the reason why you think its ok to avoid the truth is the same reason as mine... but honestly. what would lead you to believe such? cause i am a persistent little prick. i will find out. or at least. get you to tell a lie that find to be acceptable. hmmm this is a very interesting subject... i will visit this later...

anyway.

i feel that my interest in you is drawing to a close

simply because. you are becoming predictable.

we talk one day. you ignore for a week. cycle repeats.

you seem like a pretty cool person.

but... i don't think i can currently deal with your twist and turns.

and this whole blog has pretty much been bullshit

cause. tomorrow i'm going to text you "hey :D" probably 3 times

each time... have a 10 message conversation.

before you "forget" to reply.

i will wait. approximately 2-6 hours.

then send the next "hey :D"

cycle repeats.

so the real question is...

why do i continue to torment myself with this pattern, that i have identify, and analyzed?

well the only truthful answer is...
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW

o well...

maybe nothing will come of my whimisical ambitions.

or perhaps i will finally find a triumphant new happiness.

although i seriously doubt the later.

WTF was this blog suppose to be about anyway...

జస్ట్ ఫర్ యు

ఐ'మ రైటింగ్ థిస్ ఎంతిరె తింగ్ ఇన్ హిందీ. బెటర్ ఎట్, అ లాంగ్వేజ్ కాల్లెద్ తెలుగు.

జస్ట్ తో మాక్ గిన్ని మద :ద

సి బెకాఉసే ఐ'మ బోరేడ్. అండ్ ఐ హవె నొథింగ్ బెటర్ తో డో.

అండ్ ఐ ఫైనల్లీ ఫిగురె అవుట్ హౌ తో స్విచ్ బిట్వీన్ తేసే డిఫరెంట్ లాంగ్వేజెస్, అండ్ ఇత్స్ హార్డ్ అస్ బల్లలు తో త్రన్స్లాటే తెం బ్యాక్. విచ్ ఇస్ వై ఇన్ ఫస్ట్, ఐ అం సేవింగ్ ది ఇంగ్లీష్ వెర్షన్ అఫ్ థిస్ వేరి బ్లాగ్ సో తాత ఐ విల్ అల్వయ్స్ రెమెంబెర్ వాట్ ది హెల్ ఇట్ ఇస్ ఐ వ్రొతె :ద

ఉహం. మైఖేల్ జాక్సన్ దిఎద్ టుడే. ఇట్ ఇస్ సద. తో సి ది లేఅస్ట్.

బట్ ఐ'మ ఆల్రెడీ తిరెద్ అఫ్ హియరింగ్ అబౌట్ ఇట్.

ఎఇతేర్ పీపుల్ అరె మకింగ్ హర్ష ఓబ్స్సునే జోక్స్ అత ది మనస్ డెత్.
ఓర థెయ్ అరె ఫకింగ్ సద్నెస్స్.
నేఇతేర్ ఐ కాన్ స్టాండ్.

ఉహం. ఐ మిస్ మై బేబీ.

ఐ గోట్ బీట్ అప్ బి మై నిఎస్ టుడే. అగైన్. ఫర్ లికె ది ఉమ్ప్తీంత్ టైం
శే'స దేఫినితెలీ అ ఫైటర్...

సోఒ. థిస్ గర్ల్ కోల్డ్ సెరిఔస్ల్య్ హవె మే వ్రప్పేడ్ అరౌంద్ హర్ ఫింగెర్.
అల్ తౌగ్ ఐ విల్ అల్వయ్స్ చూసే మై బేబీ ఓవర్ హర్ ఓర అన్యోనే ఎల్సె.
ఒన్స్ అగైన్ ఒనె అఫ్ తోసే ఐ వన్'త లోస్ యు అండ్ ఐ'మ తకింగ్ అద్వంతగే అఫ్ ఎవెర్య్ ఒప్పోర్తునితి.

*యవన్* ఐ మిఘ్త్ గో తో బెడ్ అత అ నొర్మల్ టైం..

ఉహం ఐ'మ బ౦రెద్... ఐ'ల్ వ్రితే అనోతేర్ తెలుగు బ్లాగ్ సూన్.

i wrote this a while ago.

this was the blog that i wrote in that telugu language. with all the swingles and swurves.
i made both of those words up.. uhmm its not really important. like at all. but its just one of my unreleased blogs. along with a love/apology/caking letter that i wrote. not to anyone in particular...- that's a lie btw.


"i'm writing this entire thing in hindi. better yet, a language called telugu.

just to make ginny mad :D

see because i'm bored. and i have nothing better to do.

and i finally figure out how to switch between these different languages, and its hard as balls to translate them back. which is why in fact, i am saving the english version of this very blog so that i will always remember what the hell it is i wrote :D

uhm. michael jackson died today. it is sad. to say the least.

but i'm already tired of hearing about it.

either people are making harsh obscene jokes at the mans death.
or they are faking sadness.
neither i can stand.

uhm. i miss my baby.

i got beat up by my niece today. again. for like the umpteenth time
she's definitely a fighter...

sooo. this girl could seriously have me wrapped around her finger.
all though i will always choose my baby over her or anyone else.
once again one of those i won't lose you and i'm taking advantage of every opportunity.

*yawn* i might go to bed at a normal time..

uhm i'm b0red... i'll write another telugu blog soon."

hahaha i'm bored

soo. wanna know something weird.

my blog randomly started typing in hindi. लिखे थिस
इ वास लिखे व्त्फ़ बुत॥ थें इ फिगुरेड आउट हाउ तो फिक्स आईटी।

hehe i'm glad i know who to do that...
now i can code the parts that i don't want to make it easy to read.

anyway... life is mediocre
nothing has made my walls crumple lately...

आईटी मेक्स
जुस्त i did however realize how futile my effort is.. ठाट फुक्क
बे this is why i never try at anything। यू यू तू
माय instead of failing। like a normal person. वुड चूसे सोमोने
गर्ल i'm met with a wall of apathy... लिखे हिम। ओवर में
में जेअलौस्य

tht above. is a secret message. i'm proud of myself for creating it :D

o well.i have bigger problems...

the more i live. the less i see the point of sleeping during the summer.
i go to bed at 5. wake up at 10. i miss nothing in the world.
sounds like a plan...

anyway... i really don't know what to blog about..
i ahve an increased amount of boredom..
i almost prefer drama to this...
ALMOST. :D anyway

a certain someone needs to come back
because...
the way i feel about her right now...
she could get the business :D

o btw

"as the cruise liner pulls into to the port,
the mouth is open for the business. however,
the midget is left outside in the cold. cause nobody wanted him"
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... can't believe she didn't get that...

seems like i should write.

idk...

once again... my world is collapsing
BLAHH

idc anymore.
i just can't lose you again
and i hope you read this last one... maybe

i love you.
but. idk. you make me feel... nervous?
eventually... i'll truly figure out what i want from you...

uh.. i forgot to call my dad.
i really meant to this time...
but i really dont know what i should say to him.

because. in all honesty. i want him to solve a problem.
that he has had for god knows how long.
is that really fair?

at the same time... is it really fair to ask me to deal with his problem?
i think not... soo. maybe i can just tell him that.
however, i'm not as good with confrontations as most people believe.
not when i care about the person.

i should really be sleeping...

uhh on a completely unrelated note...
there is this girl.
who seems like she would be a really cool friend...

but... *chuckle* i dont really know her.
well obviously i know of her.
but i doubt we will ever actually interact
perhaps i should pursue this interest...

i lose interest quickly. sometimes.

i want to tell you that... my mind is like... shredded paper.
thats been shredded twice. so that out of a whole sheet.
all thats left is little square pieces.

and on each one of these little square pieces.
is an idea. that is connected to all those other squares.
but completely unrelated.

and. all these squares have been dumped into a fish bowl.
and talking to you. is like. scooping out those wet squares.
and trying to fix them into a sentence. that makes sense.
in any language at all...

i'm going to read...

10 things i want to say to people

i always see people do this...
soo i thought that i would finally doo it..
however.. out of my 10 things... 4 will probably be to 2 people
lets get started

1. i think i still love you. sometimes. however. lately... it's going away. your turning into something that i'm not particularly sure i like...

2. i wish you could see how truly alike we really are... then maybe you can understand why i won't give up... and why i say some of the things i do.

3. you shouldn't let anybody get to you. your going to be great.

4. if it wasn't for you... i would probably be depressed. honestly. i don't know how you deal with everyone's problems... but i'm glad you deal with mine :D

5. you screwed up. royally. i don't know if anything will ever be the same between us.

6. lately. you think your cooler than you are. i'm gonna put my foot in your ass.

7.(this is to two people) i can't trust you. everything you say. i have to think twice about it. good job.

8.you over react to the dumbest of things... really some of the stuff you say... makes me want to punch you in the face.

9. dude. its not as bad as you think it is. it will get better... eventually... cuz. usually. it can't get much worse.

10. i wish you would stay out of my life for a while. at least until i can get everything straight. but. i know you won't. and i have accepted that.

2 weeks

since my last post :(

"get my heart out of this hell and my mind out of the jail" - kanye west

i'm becoming incredibly and inexpressibly lazy...

alot of stuff has happened... lets see if i can remember half of it.
uhh. ryans bday. was inexpressibly amazing.
i said "golden" 250 times. at least.

o btw. my mom let me go to his party.
because of this HUGE fight we had the week before it.
which she caused. for no real reason at all.

she shouldve just left me alone...
but she followed me around the house screaming at me
and apparently i hurt her feelings.

anyway... party was amazing...
long dayys.

uhh. soo. girl stuff. blehh.

i thought that a particular person was finally done with me.
but. apparently not.
and its better that way.

people always say... avoiding your problems solves nothing
however. avoiding mine. or not talking about them.
has greatly improved things in my favor.

thenn. this other person...
i think... is a compulsive liar.
maybe i'm just paranoid...
but my heart tells me.... LIAR.

hehehe. its not really a big deal though
because. i'm no longer becoming attached to people...
i love too hard :D

uhm. ooo yeah. soo.
this one night.
i standed up talking to the MOST amazing person.

this was a life altering conversation.
i wish i could remember all of it.
but i do have particular parts tucked away in my head.

i do have to say...
don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't mind them knowing
because. like this person. they find out. or have a good inclination about what you say.

sometimes i wonder if i see things that people don't.
or maybe i have more understanding...
or maybe... i'm the dumb one...
idk... very complicated.

i'm a lover.
just wish you felt the same.